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  • Writer's pictureJackie Hartsoe

Wedding - Unpopular Opinions (Vol. 2)

Having never planned my own wedding before, I bought wedding planning guides and coffee table books and binders and journals to help me get my vision cranking and all I could do is imagine things that already exist (boring) or conceptualize the most indulgent fantasy of myself: a vision in white - approximately 8 inches taller and thinner than I've ever managed to be, with cheekbones I don't have, snatched to hell in a dress so haute no parent could ever understand it, with a veil like a fucking tent.

Thank you, yes, I can hear myself.

It's important to remember that I am not a reasonable person, so I clutched this absolute nonsense and would like to formally apologize to the people around me. I don't know that I vocalized any of this, but more's the better and now they know and will (presumably) still call me back.

Before we were officially engaged, Derek and I had discussed semi-eloping to New Orleans (mostly to prevent people from coming, because eloping-eloping was off the table for Derek and having to hug people gives me the sweats). On our way through New Orleans we 'casually' stopped by the Marigny Opera House at like 2:30 on a Tuesday. I just pulled open the door, expecting it to be locked and... it wasn't? The guy was so nice, we walked through and just absolutely fell in love:

Could you die? Could you DIE.

Uuuugh if you could physically make love to a building, this would be the one. I think there is a "My Strange Addiction" about romantic relationships with monuments, and I'm next.

It was a siiiiiignnnnn it was so beautifulllllll and it was open and it was just... magic. Oh did I mention Solange got married here? Hearing a lot of Cranes in the Sky in my future, I'm HOT for this venue.

Could I have peed in the same toilet Beyonce potentially peed in???

Kids, it's important to remember that 'signs' are not real. Love is real, red flags are real, but there's no 'sign' that means spending money on something that doesn't fit. We reached out, we told people (oops), we got their information, their packages, their vendors... and it just wasn't right. Straight from the jump, we got the information and everything from their music stipulations, pricing for a non-hurricane time of year, their curfew at a hard 10p (neighborhood wide), and their moratorium on pampas grass (at the time a shock and a scandal - don't worry I've moved on) and nothing about that was going to work.

It's not their fault - who doesn't want to get married in New Orleans? They are an art house, not just a wedding venue. They prioritize local music, art, dance, theater. So obviously, it's important to them you hire local talent. It's important you don't mess up this insanely cool historic venue. They are in the middle of a neighborhood, they can't do anything about a curfew. Solange literally got married here, why wouldn't they charge to deal with obnoxious people like me at peak wedding season?

Unfortunately, I hate live music. I hate concerts, I hate hearing covers of songs by people who are not the people who originally sang the song, and I don't want to listen to a different version of that song as I walk down the aisle. Brass instruments hurt my ears. A second line sounds like a personal nightmare. Jazz is noise.

Amen, sister.

A lot of dealbreakers on the list but that was a big one.

Stay tuned for more missteps and big mistakes!



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